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Can God do the impossible?
Category: Member Blogs
I know you're probably wondering what the heck I am talking about in my post from yesterday. I will tell you this because I am all about being honest with people and where I stand health wise and for that I went to my ENT specialist. I still have an infection in my right ear. It's now behind my the hole in my ear. That's not good. The good dr took a swab of it and yes, it hurt! I wanted to cry, but I kept my composure.

I don't know what will come back from the lab, but I have another round of antibiotics. This round is much stronger and is for bacterial infections. It's not foreign to me to take this type of medicine. I have had a much worse bacteria infection when I contracted mersa in my right ear. So, after that little history lesson here's the skinny. I know now that there is a surgery that can be performed on my ear to help me. I have mechanical issues inside of my ear. I have 25% hearing in my right ear. It can help me out a lot. It is FDA approved.

Now, knowing he can go in to fix the hole and help my hearing is kind of overwhelming at this point. He wants a clean and dry ear before we can do anything that means all this struggling with my ears and hearing will finally be done but at what cost? I've been done this road before and it was painful. The surgery didn't work. It made the hole move and bigger. It was baffling to the dr and the people helping me.

I am not sure when I want to do it. My desire runs deep to be a mother and it seems like everything is in the way. I am getting sick way more than I have ever been in these past few years since that major surgery. I've had time to think about it and I know it's not a one day discussion and a decision. I am still praying that God gives me wisdom for this and it's not that I can't wait and I can wait, but my heart wants to torn and my head is being stubborn and making me second guess it.

I know that God has given me this awesome opportunity and I know that God knows my deepest desires to be a mother. I've lived with this hearing issues. Now, I have this new technology and now, I have a choice to make and no one else can make it for me. I don't want to go through with it and it not work like before, but this is different and it's brand new thing can repair my issues.

I know for some it's a no brainer, but for me, it's a yield sign. I am extremely cautious. I trust my dr. I trust that God brought him into my life for a reason. I know that this dr has seen me struggle and I know that in some small part of his heart that he knows this will finally be the one to heal me from the inside out. Im scared that it will leave me worse than before and that's the only reason I am seeing this as a cautionary tale.

I am writing to sort out my emotions if you read anything from me you should know this by now and because I believe that God has kept His promises to me. I feel this valley of dry bones needs to have new life breathed into them. Things that I know that have yet to come to pass and I trust God with my whole heart.
I just want to feel better. I am emotionally drained and exhausted. I gain weight with these medicines. I feel fat and ugly. I feel awful. I hate the outlook I have on myself right now.

You may think I'm being vain with all those pictures of myself, but it's a completely different story. I am struggling to like what I see right now. To have this surgery means that he will have shave the small part of head and that stresses me out. I love my hair. It will look funny until it grows out. I've come a long, long way and I know that you probably think I'm being overly dramatic, but I promise you that I am not because this is sort of a big deal.

I am still praying and I am still waiting on the timing. I do this surgery then I can't go to San Antonio. I do this and I may have full hearing. I do this and I may not have full hearing.

God is my Healer. I believe that in due time I will see this promise come to pass. I need prayer for wisdom and understanding. His peace floods my heart. His love surrounds me like a blanket. His hope rises inside of me as I face the storms of life.
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